


I will try to fix you (and let you go)

by Liliace



Series: Fix You [1]
Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: (which he does actually get), Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Friendship, Internal Monologue, Liberal use of parenthesis, M/M, Tony Stark Has A Heart, Tony Stark Needs a Hug, Tony's POV, Unrequited Love, and cares too much, it helps even if it doesn't solve the problem
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-02
Updated: 2015-12-02
Packaged: 2018-05-04 15:15:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,282
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5338772
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Liliace/pseuds/Liliace
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Tony and Bucky have healing sex, Tony starts to fall, and there's no one to catch him (though his friends try their best).</p>
<p>In which Tony helps Bucky and never gets to keep nice things.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I will try to fix you (and let you go)

**Author's Note:**

> So, I love WinterIron. Apparently I like hurting Tony even more. This is the result. Hope you enjoy, and I appreciate any and all feedback!
> 
> (Also, I researched Steve's name for this fic and discovered that 'Steven Grant Rogers' is actually not his real name but the name of someone whose memories he had or something. Who knew?)

It was Tony who got through to Bucky first. Not because their pasts were particularly similar (Natasha and Bucky's were even more so), or because their experiences were alike (Clint could relate to brainwashing the best), or because Tony was the most understanding (that title went to Bruce), nor was it because Tony was a connection to Bucky's past (Steve took that place).

In fact, it was solely because Tony was a sarcastic asshole. Well, that and because he was the only one capable of upgrading Bucky's arm.

So it started with Bucky sitting tensely, Tony cracking jokes between mutters about the technology, and Steve standing by anxiously. It continued with Bucky sitting tensely, Tony cracking jokes during silent moments in the kitchen and the living room, and Steve sitting by worriedly.

It ended with Bucky tensing as he found his release, Tony muttering sweet nothings to his ear, and Steve somewhere – definitely not near them – probably worrying over Bucky.

Whenever he had nightmares, Bucky came to Tony (because Tony would not ask, would not judge, and would offer a distraction freely enough without questioning Bucky's mental state – so really, it was all thanks to Tony being an asshole). Whenever Tony needed to shut down his brain, he sought out Bucky (dropping hints and letting Bucky decide what he wanted to do about it – and Bucky always took him up on it).

They treated each other normally otherwise, and if Bucky was a little more relaxed around Tony than the others (besides Steve and Sam and Natasha –), no one questioned it or commented on it.

Well, right until Natasha cornered Tony one day and asked what he was doing with Bucky, if he had gotten clear consent before moving things along (and yes, Tony was an asshole, but not that big of a one). So Tony responded truthfully, saying that they did discuss things ("Are you sure about this?" "Yes, I need it") before doing anything, and Natasha nodded approvingly and explained herself slightly ("I didn't think you'd knowingly take advantage of him") and Tony couldn't blame her for her small doubt (he was well aware he missed a lot of social cues).

But besides that encounter, no one approached Tony about his thing with Bucky (he was hesitant to call it a relationship because it definitely wasn't that). He didn't know if anyone talked to Bucky about it, but Bucky at least never mentioned anything (not that Tony told Bucky about his conversation with Natasha).

Tony was happy, sort of. He had been feeling down after his breakup with Pepper even though she still was one of his best friends (it had been a mutual agreement because honestly they were never going to work out, but he had still been devastated). Now, with the thing with Bucky, he was happier, and more cheerful, and more energetic (because even if he loved machines more than people he still needed human contact).

His friends noticed the change. Pepper was the first, obviously (Rhodey was in and out and didn't see Tony too often), and some of the weight on her shoulders that Tony hadn't noticed before disappeared (and Tony felt like a dick for worrying her).

She asked him what was going on, and because it was Pepper, Tony told her. He explained the situation (friends with benefits, except not really, because they weren't friends) and Pepper nodded acceptingly. She kissed his cheek and told him she was happy he'd found someone.

So, in retrospect, that should have been his first clue.

It wasn't until later, though, when he'd discussed the situation with Rhodey as well, that Tony finally saw what Pepper had seen back then.

He cared about Bucky.

Not just in 'he's Steve's best friend' or 'he's good in bed' kinda ways, but as in an actual 'I _like_ him' kinda way.

Tony was perhaps more surprised by this revelation than he ought to, considering that it was pretty obvious what their thing had been leading up to (because Tony can't get close to people without starting to care about them).

Rhodey laughs at him when Tony whispers "I like him" in shock, but also comforts Tony when he goes into panic about that. After, Tony waves it off as normal pre-relationship slash first realisation jitters, but his face crumbles when Rhodey's gone.

He doesn't have a relationship with Bucky. He never will, either; it's perfectly obvious that they wouldn't work out – and not only because Bucky's in love with Steve, but also because their personalities clash too much, Tony's too unthinking and Bucky's been through too much shit, and, yeah, Bucky loves Steve and not Tony.

Tony might not be the best judge of character (he thought he was, but Obadiah) or the best at reading between the lines when it comes to people (Natashalie proved that well enough), but the adoration between Bucky and Steve has been clear enough from the start that even he could see it (and that's saying something).

It was never Tony's intention to come between them. He hasn't (because he and Bucky don't share anything romantic), and he won't (because he cares about Steve as much as he cares about Bucky, if not more and only in a different way).

But Bucky was broken and came to Tony for help (because he felt like he didn't have any other options) and who was Tony to turn him away? He couldn't, not when he's been there himself (nightmares and self-hatred and trying not to crumble under the expectations of those closest to him) and Bucky wasn't asking for anything Tony wasn't willing to give.

Their thing was always about mutual gratification, about forgetting whatever they needed to forget, about enjoying themselves for those brief moments (and they were brief; never was there much time wasted on foreplay or aftercare). It was never about feelings, because neither of them was very fond of the other back then (and Bucky loved Steve).

Tony's not about to make it about feelings now, either. He's not that selfish.

Yet he's not selfless enough to break it off with Bucky (he wants him, even though he knows it won't be for very long), especially when Bucky still needs him (and that makes him seem less selfish than he truly feels).

So Tony bears it all with a smile and a grin (and a blissed out expression and incoherent words and gasps) and doesn't let anyone know what's bothering him (naturally, people notice, but they can't do anything if Tony only keeps shut about it).

Steve is the first to ask, perhaps not so surprisingly (he's always looking at Bucky, and Tony can be often found within touching distance of said man even if he refrains from actually touching him). Steve doesn't make the connection, though, and Tony doesn't tell him ("I'm fine, Cap, just some shit to work out"). The mighty Captain doesn't ask again, but from then on he's often glancing at Tony too (that only stops when Tony fixes and masters his smile).

Natasha and Clint never do ask him about what's bothering him, but they drag him out of the workshop more often than before (though Tony knows that they'd also guard the entrance to give him more privacy if he'd protest). Tony gifts them with an honest smile and new, improved equipment.

Bruce doesn't question him either, but Tony knows it's because Bruce knows him well enough to know that he isn't going to talk just because someone asks (if he's going to say something, it's by his own terms).

Pepper asks him, and Tony talks (because Pepper isn't just 'someone'). He gives the summary of the situation, glossing over how much he's come to care for Bucky (and love their short moments together), but Pepper understands anyway and pulls him into a hug, which eventually turns into a cuddling session on the couch. Then she calls Rhodey (who's in town, and perhaps Pepper waited so long to talk to Tony so she'd have backup if necessary) who promises to come over.

Not ten minutes later, the telltale sounds of a Suit being taken off by the inbuilt machinery in the tower reaches their ears (and it's obviously Rhodey because Tony's right there and thus War Machine is the only suit it could be). Rhodey emerges into the living room not half a minute later, and immediately climbs on Tony's other side and blankets Tony between Pepper and him.

Someone else might have asked Tony if he wanted to explain the situation again, but Pepper doesn't and instead does it for him. Rhodey only squeezes harder when Pepper reaches the vital point ("Bucky loves Steve") and breathes an apology into Tony's hair. Strangely, it doesn't feel patronizing or pitying and Tony has to blink his eyes to stop tears from forming.

They stay like that for a while, and Pepper and Rhodey leave only after Tony's gotten them to promise not to hurt or mistreat Steve or Bucky in any way, because none of it was their fault (they agree, though Tony notices that they act slightly colder towards the two from then on).

Tony and Bucky's thing continues. Bucky starts to stay after the sex a bit longer each time (and Tony falls for him more and more), and eventually he starts talking. Mainly about his progress and Steve, and if Tony's chest clenches every time Bucky says 'Steve' so gently, tenderly (like Tony wishes he'd say his name), he doesn't let it show. This is not about him, it's about Bucky and helping him piece himself back together.

Bucky even spends one whole night with Tony, watching different movies and picking them apart (not sleeping, never sleeping because it leaves you too vulnerable and Bucky doesn't, probably never will, trust Tony that much). It's a distraction (Bucky asked for one afterwards, and Tony knew he wasn't asking for round two) and a welcome one at that (for a moment, Tony can pretend that everything's fine, that they're actually together or that they're only friends – he isn't sure which one he prefers, and continues to entertain both idle fantasies).

It's probably not healthy, at least on Tony's part – but when has anyone ever accused him of being sensible? So he doesn't put a stop to it, continues to smile as he feels his heart break a little bit each time Bucky's heart shows noticeable signs of being pieced together (and doesn't that just make him feel like a total asshole).

Pepper tries to talk him out of it. Rhodey, too, comments on how it's not good for him, how he should think about himself as well (but Tony is, Tony always is thinking about himself because he's selfish; Bucky means so much to him and he's not willing to give that up just yet).

One day, Tony walks in on Steve and Bucky staring into each other's eyes, and they're not touching or even looking like they're going to do anything else, but Tony feels like he's intruding on something horribly intimate (something more intimate than his times with Bucky ever were). He leaves the room before either of them can acknowledge his presence (because at least Bucky surely noticed that someone came in) and doesn't emerge from his workshop for the rest of the day (he has food and a couch there anyway so he's good).

That really brings it home; Bucky and Steve are going to get together, probably soon (and Tony is going to be left all alone). Still, when Bucky comes to his workshop that night Tony doesn't turn him away, just kisses him with a little more desperation than usual (little is okay, too much and Bucky would know something was up).

Tony tells Bruce about it all during a weak moment (Steve and Bucky had been making googly eyes at each other over dinner) and Bruce accepts it as calmly as he does (mostly) everything else. That doesn't stop Bruce from comforting him, and looking at him sympathetically every time Bucky shows affection towards Steve (and Tony kind of regrets telling Bruce, but also not, because Bruce makes the best excuses whenever he notices that it's getting too much for Tony).

After a particularly energetic time in Tony's workshop, Bucky brings up the idea of stopping. Not because it's like a breakup (because they're not in a relationship, never were) but because he wants to be clear with Tony ("You've helped me so much, and I don't think it's right if I just stopped – well, whatever this is"). Tony nods, grins, and teases Bucky about his obvious love for Steve.

Breaking down comes later, when Bucky's gone and Tony only has his AIs and bottles for company (he doesn't drink because he's nauseous enough already, and he's tried the whole forgetting via alcohol thing before and it didn't really work out). Having the bottles within reach makes him feel like he's in control of something (and sobriety is far less valuable than feelings or emotions, but he'd take what he can get).

Bucky still comes to him once, twice (Tony wants to ask but he doesn't because one of the reasons why Bucky always came to him was that he never asks any questions; and also, he's not enough of a masochist). Neither of them bring up Steve again, and only to Pepper does Tony mention anything of his internal struggles.

Life is not a fairy tale (as Tony learned from his parents), nor is it a story (because in stories the bad guys die and the good guys live and that doesn't fit him and Yinsen at all), but Tony kind of wishes it was. In children's books and even adult novels the main character always finds love at the end, and if his life was a story, Bucky would realise that he loves Tony more than Steve and ask Tony out instead of breaking things off with him.

But alas, real life doesn't work that way (or maybe he's not the main character), and Tony is left to watch from the side lines as Bucky and Steve dance around each other. He can't even blame anyone but himself, because he's sure Bucky has never even considered the possibility of more between them and Tony's the one who's too cowardly to even bring it up (because he believes too strongly that nothing would come of it).

If even one person had told him that he was reading the situation wrong, that perhaps Bucky does like him and Tony just doesn't know it, Tony might have done something. As it is, he doesn't, because if everyone else sees what he sees, then surely not all of them can be wrong.

Eventually, all good things (and Tony still counts their friends with benefits situation as one) must come to an end. Bucky comes down to his workshop, and instead of pulling Tony into a kiss, he keeps his distance and tells him that he's going to ask Steve out that night. Tony chuckles ("Took you long enough, huh") and recommends different places where to take him.

Bucky smiles at him, thanks him for all he's done for him, and expresses his relief that Tony is fine with it (fine with what, Tony wants to ask; their thing ending, Bucky dating Steve, what?) and Tony only grins wider.

Later, he calls Pepper, but gets voicemail instead. Then he walks to Natasha's rooms and knocks (because he doesn't want Bruce's obvious sympathy, and he's certain that Natasha has known well enough what's been going on for a while now). The door is opened with a lifted eyebrow, but at Tony's expression Natasha loses the apparent disinterest and drags him inside. They end up hanging onto each other on the couch, and Natasha doesn't say anything about the wet patches that appear on her pyjamas.

They watch a movie, Tony's head on Natasha's shoulder and her fingers in his hair (and what a long way they've come, from a mistrusting spy and a mistrusting billionaire to teammates to friends to friends who can do this) and Tony focuses all his attention on the screen in an effort to keep his mind off of other things.

Tony shares Natasha's bed that night, but only platonically ("Come on, Tony," Natasha whispers and Tony wonders if this is what having a sibling feels like) and when Pepper calls later, apologising ("The meeting ran long"), Tony can honestly say that it's not necessary for her to come over anymore.

The next morning, JARVIS wakes Tony up by informing him that Pepper is coming over (Natasha is already awake, reading a book next to him). Tony smiles at Natasha before taking his leave, and neither of them mind the lack of words (he does buy her a pair of earrings he'd seen her consider before, and Natasha is courteous enough not to protest at the price because she understands how much her support meant to him).

Pepper shares the news with Rhodey so Tony doesn't have to, but she doesn't offer help (she knows him well enough to understand that what Natasha did the night before is the most someone can do to help him). Instead she just hugs him before leaving and letting Tony lose himself in his work.

When Tony emerges, hours later, it's to Bruce telling him that he needs to eat. When he's sufficiently full of the Chinese Bruce brought with him, Bruce clears his throat and awkwardly explains what happened during lunch. Namely, Steve's announcement that he and Bucky were going out now. Tony accepts Bruce's sympathies gracefully (or at least he's pretty certain that he does) and reassures him that he's fine, and because Tony doesn't look distressed (and Bruce doesn't know that Tony knew about it already), Bruce leaves with one last worried glance.

Tony sighs, sits down, and places his head on his hands.

The next day, he sees Steve as he's grabbing breakfast from the common kitchen, and congratulates him. Steve asks him awkwardly if he's sure that he doesn't mind ("I mean, I know that you and Bucky were – well") and Tony laughs it off ("Seriously, Cap, I could see that he was totally into you from the beginning"). They part, and what Steve seems to lose in worry, Tony gains in – actually, he doesn't know what to call it; heartbreak is too big of a word, and sadness and hurt don't really fit.

Regardless, Tony bears the weight with dignity (or at least he likes to think that he does) and when he sees Bucky, smiling and happier than Tony has ever seen him before, he offers honest well wishes (with a less than honest smile). Bucky grins and says "You should start looking for someone as well, Tony" and Tony tries not to let his eyes glisten as he thinks 'But I found someone already.'

Tony's life is not a fairy tale. He doesn't always come out on top (as Iron Man) nor does he always lose (as Tony Stark) so he supposes he's neither the hero nor the villain, but he also didn't get the man at the end, so obviously he's not the damsel in distress either. His life is not a story, and happy endings are just unfinished stories, so he doesn't get that either.

In the end, Tony helped Bucky heal. He did his best to be what Bucky needed, and bowed down when Bucky didn't need him anymore.

(Because he might have been what Bucky needed, but he never was what Bucky wanted; that was, and always had been, Steve Rogers.)

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote a second part for this and decided to make it a series, which is called Fix You (because both titles are inspired by that Coldplay's song and I didn't even realize how well the lyrics fit before I heard the song randomly again). There will probably be a third installment, though I have no idea when. Anyway, that is all.


End file.
